Check up at The Quack's

Enter the Honourable Judge's favourite tavern for a dram of Tittle Tattle. There's an ancient bandit in the corner, but I forget his name...
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Check up at The Quack's

Post by badpenny »

A couple of years ago I went for my regular check up at The Quacks. What with the meds I have to take to prevent me biting strangers' heads off and the treatment for my diabetes I think they're just trying to work out how much longer I'm going to be a drain on The NHS.

It amuses me because my type two diabetes was caused by them leaving me on a particular antipsychotic treatment for too long. It was over ten years ago, but I remember the conversation well.

“So Mr. Chapman, how long have you been taking Hazardphasimin?”

“It's Clapham, and why are you asking me? You're the doctor, you have my records, why don't you know?”

“There must be a mistake in your records Mr. Clarkson, it says nine months and nobody's supposed to take it longer than six months, it can cause type two diabetes or Parkinson like symptoms.”

“It's Clapham, and you have got it wrong Dentist, it's a year and nine months I've been on this.”

“It's Doctor Mr. Clacton, we best change it and do some tests.”

So always having tended to be selfish I wasn't surprised to learn not only was I diabetic but I'd also plumped for a generous helping on the uncontrollable shaky hand front. Not all the time though. It seems I only benefit from the Parkinson like symptoms when doing something intricate like, connecting springs or picking out detail when painting.
So that's nice.

Anyhoo as I was saying , a couple of years ago I went through this regular farce once more. The Doctor was different but they do go to the same schools don't they?
This one opened the questionnaire and started with “Age?”
I replied “My date of birth hasn't altered once since it happened, what do my records say about the event?”
A heavy sigh and some frantic rattling of Page Up gave the answer. I was then asked “Do you mind answering the questions please it'll be so much quicker?”
I pointed out that in previous years I had been quizzed about my memory both short term and long term. I'd even been clumsily asked “...ooh! What day is today?” and “ What is the Prime Minister's name?” So how come I'm not to be trusted to remember those things but something that happened one day sixty years ago and suddenly my memory is to be considered infallible? Eyes were rolled and desk tops tapped.
Do you smoke? - No
Ever? - No
Do you use recreational drugs? - No
Ever? - No
Do you drink alcohol? - What else can you do with it?
How much do you drink? - With hands like mine I spill most of it.
Do you consider yourself a heavy drinker – I could do with losing a bit of weight yes.
Do you feel like a drink now? - You're very kind but it's far too early for me, however don't let me stop you.

We weren't getting very far.
I asked why the sudden fascination in my imbibing customs.
“Well” She said “I've noticed that according to your records (oh, so you do look at them then?) for the first years of this century you were living over pubs.
I congratulated her on her observation skills and commented I didn't realise that diagnosis by post code was now part of the curriculum for a doctorate in medicine. I enquired if I lived over an ironmonger would I match the profile of a glue sniffer.
The conversation ground to a halt.
To prove a point I went dry from then and it was two years ago.
I reckon I've saved myself £3650.40 over the period which is the equivalent to 6 bottles of wine a week @ £5.85. Tesco's finest.

My final word to her suggested she and her colleagues might consider how it feels to get no credit for …
Being up to date on meds
Never smoked
Never used drugs
Blood pressure cool
…. yet being made to feel guilty about my address.

BP !!/\!!
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john t peterson
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Re: Check up at The Quack's

Post by john t peterson »

:HaHa: :HaHa: :HaHa: :HaHa: :HaHa:

You should be teaching a class in medical school, BP.

J Peterson
Raising one to you in USA !!CHEERS!!
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